Monday, September 5, 2011


Well, I've told a few people, only, but might as well make it official here. I'm pulling out of the Rev3 140.6 Ironman, sadly, :(    I've been struggling with this decision for a few weeks. I missed a much needed key training weekend a few weeks back and I've fallen behind in training since then. Much of it - most of it - mental and emotional.

I'm healthy and uninjured, but I'm stressed more than I've ever been in my life.  I could rattle off a list of my stresses, and much of it would apply to each and every one of you who try to juggle family, job and training. Now toss in some personal baggage and then a dose of depression to boot. Paints a not real pretty picture of what I'm drowning in right now.

I had initially planned for this to be a Team Triabetes "vindication race" for some friends who struggled at IMSG, and, for me, a chance to race a familiar course with a goal other than "to finish".  Somewhere along the line things started spiraling out of control ... One Captain dropped from the race. No explanation. Another dropped to the half. Another dropped out. I don't have the heart to tell the remaining single full-course athlete that I'm bailing ... I'll need to wait to see her on Thursday, when she arrives from California.  I feel like a heel. :(  I want to support her as much as I can. I am excited and enthusiastic to be cheering her, and so many CTC peeps on. I am trying to mentally shift from competitor to spectator.  It's hard.

School is back in session. I teach college courses.  I am teaching NINE courses, at two different colleges. It's crazy to try to stay on top of all of that - and I'm spread pretty thin, feeling very anxious about missing something, or being unprepared. Plus, I care about these students - I do my best to help them learn the respective material. Some of them are great and it's very rewarding! But there are one or two that just perceive me as Satan, and want to fight over everything. It's simply exhausting! Thankfully my Program Directors are very supportive, at both institutions!! It makes my job a lot easier.  For this, I am grateful! The other issue has been dealing with the single, most unprofessional veterinarian I've ever encountered. This vet is publicly slandering me, to co-workers, colleagues and yes, even STUDENTS! It's my reputation on the line, and I am angry! I have been reasonably tolerant of this, but I'm a hairs-width away from filing a grievance with the OVMLB. I'll need to send her a Cease & Desist letter to stop her slanderous talk. How the hell is this person allowed to get away with this??  Needless to say, it's quite upsetting, but I'm trying to get through the quarter, and then I will deal with this. It's shit like this that makes me angry and takes away from all that I love about my job at this particular school.

My kids are in flag football. We chose this league because it is just a fun, rec league. Last season they all had a single 1 hr practice during the week, then 1 hr game on Saturday mornings. The fact that my girls were on the same team was a bonus! Well, this season they are on 3 separate teams. But, my youngest and oldest have the same coach.  This guy has them scheduled to practice FIVE hours during the week!! Then the hour game play on Sat.  That makes for a hell of a lot of shuttling around!! I am not happy! The kids aren't too happy about it either.

My house has been sorely neglected. It's not had a good cleaning in months.  This weekend we made a decent dent in that, as I'll be having house guests the next two weekends.  The kids have been threatened with life-long grounding, and physical violence, if they don't do their part to maintain the little progress we made here this weekend.  And, I am desperately in need of an electrician to do a few electrical jobs for me! I need to get a new light/fan fixture in the kitchen, as the light chain broke off and I cannot reattach it, leaving us in the dark all the time.  And the kids' bathroom needs to be addressed - a few electrical issues there. When do I think I have time for an electrician to come?  Beyond me!!

I have been having to turn down housecalls. I just cannot fit them in. This is not good for business!! But when someone calls and requests a euthanasia, and I cannot fit it in - at all - for many days, well, I understand the need for a more timely appointment. Unfortunately I cannot help.  This further adds to my stress. :(

I miss my friends. Specifically, a few of them are going through some difficult times. I wish I had more time to talk, be there for them. I feel like a crappy friend.

So, you can see that I am very much over-extended. With each missed work out, I just felt worse and worse about myself. Then I'd turn to food to comfort myself. This has resulted in weight gain - wonderful!! And my BG? Pretty much sucks!! No surprise.

So, pulling out was the right decision. I no longer felt guilty missing a training run, ride or swim. I need a break. I'm going to take it. I have been "98% out" for about a week now ... still having that "maybe on race day I'll just DO IT" lingering in the back of my mind. Then this weekend I got sinusitis, so that kind of sealed the deal.  What will I do on race day? Well, cheer on my peeps, of course!! I hope to have a wonderful day, despite not racing.  I've toyed with the idea of running the marathon leg ... you know, just to do a marathon. My next agenda is Columbus, so I could use a nice long run!!

Oh, did I mention I signed up for BR 100? Well, I did!!  So, I'll take some time off here, and focus on keeping up with the bazillion things that I need to do. I will be going to Kona for IM World Championships, and I'm volunteering at transition in the morning and I'll be a catcher at night. I'm pretty excited about this!!  Plus, Ted and I really need this time away - it will be good for both of us.

After that, I have a plan.  I'm going to try to get into IMFL for 2012.  Not sure I can pull it off, but I'm going to try. I'm HOPING a certain SOMEONE will join me!!! Hint hint! You know who you are!!

This has been a rough year. I can't go into details about all the variables that are leaving me calling 2011 pretty much a crappy year, but, in terms of triathlon, it really was a crappy year!!  Let me take a bit of time off, regain some control over my life, and we'll see what I can do for next season.

If it hasn't been made clear: I am immensely bummed about this decision. I wish I was at peace with it, but I'm not.  I wish things were different, but they are not. I need to get my "house" in order ... and not just the one I live in, but the entire scope of what impacts my stress levels, my schedule, and my relationships - all of that - to be able to regroup and refocus and reassess, so that I can have a rewarding tri season next year. Triathlon is so very important to me! It serves as my sense of self-worth and self esteem. Not doing tris or races is not good for my mental health.

So, that's my news. I'm OUT. I'm sad. I wish I could honestly say I wasn't, but I am.  But, I'll live. And, soon, things will be better - I believe that!!! Or else I wouldn't step back here, but I'd push ahead.  The hope is that I chose the RIGHT thing, and in the end, it will reveal itself to be the right decision.

Guess that's it ...
Peace out peeps!

No comments:

Post a Comment